So here's a thing I'm struggling with I just wanted to kind of vent about quickly. I want to put a small image on the homepage with an avatar that will represent me. Thats what the blank space will be for. In my mind it looks cool so I'm going for it. Anyways the real struggle is what the avatar will look like. The dominant thought in my mind is to use a character of mine named Rhodwynn. She's a Guild Wars 2 Sylvari that I also worked into a character for playing Shadowrun Returns. I also got another character named Aryael, a male Sylvari. I feel it in me to want to be represented by either character, but mainly Rhodwynn.
But I'm kind of feeling icky and I'm unsure. I'm a cis-male completely comfortable in my own skin. Rhodwynn is female, actually interestingly enough she was originally a male character but I wanted a female Sylvari, thus she was gender-swapped. I kept the name. I think it works really well. I like her a lot. I like to sometimes think she is trans because of the gender-swap. I'm comfortable with playing female characters in games and I do so many times. I think there is a difference here in playing the character and actively wanting to have her represent me. I feel like it doesn't matter? But I guess I don't want to be confused for things that I'm not, like if I was secretly MTF trans or something else. Again, completely comfortable in my own skin as a straight 35YO cis-male. I think of myself as fairly masculine (but I never worry about that). I like the character, and she is cool. I feel that should be enough and I shouldn't worry.
I guess my fear comes from how sadly some groups in a way sexualize trans-ness and feminity. Like "I let this image represent me I must be fetishizing wanting to be a woman or something." It's really annoying. I just like the character and yeah in a way I see an aspect of myself in her, but its not really a feminine aspect (maybe?) or something fetishised. I think of her as cool and she has a personality that is different than mine but probably somewhat similar.
I hoping to find an artist who could draw her for me. I actually some time ago did a Midjourney render of her. That's not an endorsement of AI art, I'll be frank I dislike the training on art without permission part of it, I have more thoughts but that's another conversation. The render came out really close to an image in my head of how she looks as a human in a cyberpunk world. I don't want to use that art honestly, I do use it as an avatar on things sometimes but like, nothing to major. Besides its not that good and I think an artist would do an amazing job. I'd want it in a cartoon style and not something trying to look realistic.
Also a dilemma there is do I get her as a Sylvari or do I make her as her cyberpunk Elf in Shadowrun? Again that carries its own debates as well. Uhh if you happen to read this and you are an artist who thinks they can do this let me know.
-Osky